TMI Thursday - I came, I sat, I peed

I thought I would jump in this week on TMI Thursday sponsored by Lilu at Livitluvit. Click her button to read more TMI stories.

TMI Thursday

sign hung over a public toilet

At my recent doctor's visit, I was asked to give a urine sample. I would rather be pricked by a dull needle. No, wait. I would rather have bamboo sticks shoved under my nails. No, no, wait. I'd rather by strung up by my toes. Anypiss, you get the idea - I abhor the idea of peeing in a cup.

Now, you might think this is such a simple request. Why do I hate it so much?


Cause I'm a woman.

Yes. Men? They have it easy. They have a hose, they can direct it right into the cup. Badda bing, badda boom. Done.

Women? Not so easy. Well, okay, I'll speak for myself. I have a helluva time. Let me give you the gory details.

The "proper" way to givee a urine sample is to wash your "private" area with an alcohol wipe. Then you are supposed to pee just a little bit, stop peeing, then start peeing again and put the cup under the stream. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.

First off, who can stop peeing once they start? This, in itself, is very hard to do.

Secondly, I can never pee in the specimen cup without peeing all over my hand. And there's nothing like the feeling of warm pee going everywhere BUT the cup.

So I entered the bathroom to donate the dreaded sample. There was a small table up against the wall that was stacked with alcohol wipes, plastic containers with lids, and cardboard cups that looked very similar to coffee cups. A revelation came over me that I could pee in the coffee cup FIRST, THEN pour it into the plastic container.

I gathered all the necessary accoutrements and set them on the floor in front of the toilet. Then I thought I'd better open up the lidded jar, so I cracked the seal, opened the jar, and placed both of them on the sink.

Next I pulled my pants down, opened the wipe, did what I was supposed to do, then started to pee, just a little bit all the while saying, STOP, STOP, STOP!

Okay. Now came the part I hate. Try to get the pee in the cup. The problem is, when I bend over, I have a lot of business hanging that prevents me from seeing exactly what I am doing. (Business being boobs, belly, etc.) So I have to rely on feel. The larger mouth cup worked a lot better. I had a bigger target I guess. Pretty soon I felt the cup getting warm like when you order a cup of coffee from a vending machine.

I thought I filled the cup high enough so I quickly pulled it out from underneath me, and as I was ever-so-gently setting the cup of liquid gold on the sink so it wouldn't spill, I stood up, AND CONTINUED PEEING. SAY WHAT? It shot out of me and luckily missed my clothes bunched up at my ankles. I had a small puddle at the base of the toilet between my shoes. What the hell just happened? On one hand I was quite embarrassed. I obviously wasn't done going. But on the other hand? Man, all this time I'm worried about collecting my pee and that's all I had to do was put a cup on the floor and I could hit it dead on! Who knew?
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