Idiots Guide to Aging

I ain’t what I used to be, but who the hell is?

Dizzy Dean
1910 — 1974


There should be a book out there for people explaining the things that happen to your body as you grow older. It could be called, "Growing Old for Dummies" or "Idiots Guide to Aging". But in small print on the cover it include the disclaimer, "DANGER. DON'T READ UNLESS YOU ARE OVER 50 YEARS OF AGE." This way, it won't scare our younger generation into possibly NOT WANTING TO TURN OLD.

So, the other day I was applying mascara to my skimpy eyelashes. I do this by holding a mirror below my face, and applying the mascara with the other hand. This is not a pretty angle to view my face. But it's easier to put mascara on. I also get to look right up into my nostrils. Not that I WANT to, mind you, but the view is there for the taking. And guess what I noticed? THREE gray hairs. In the left nostril. Not one. Not two. But three. All of a sudden. Boom. Three. Now what? Do I cut them out? Plucking would be absolute pain. I really don't think anyone else can see the gray hairs unless they stuck their face under my nose. But seriously. Gray nose hair?

And my eyebrows. When did I start losing them? I still grow sparse hairs here and there that need to be plucked, but the general nice arch of hairs? Gone. My brows look more like a forest of trees that a fire when through. What is up with that? So I have to take out the dreaded eyebrow pencil and kind of "shade" where there should be hair. Don't worry, it doesn't look anything like this:



Or this:



And I didn't break down and shave them off and get tattoos like this:



So, yeah, as you get older, you start to lose hair, like on your head, and your eyebrows. But then that valuable hair shows up on other parts of your body where it has no business being. Like in the middle of my forehead. Yeah. I have one gray hair that likes to grow straight out of my forehead like a friggin' unicorn.



Luckily, you can't see it unless the light hits it just so, but when that happens, look out. That hair starts to sparkle like a unicorn horn with magic! Sometimes it goes unnoticed for weeks and then I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and it's an inch and a half long! Yikes!

Then there's the chin hair. Yes. I've gotten used to it. In fact, the other day I caught myself stroking my chin hair, deep in thought. Some of those hairs are soft and blond, and VERY hard to see. Again, I have to wait until the light is just right and then, horror of horrors, I see my resemblance to a werewolf in the mirror, let out a scream, and grab the tweezers.



Other hairs are those tough, black ones that just spring out of nowhere and suddenly are an inch long. Thank God my ears aren't pointy or I'd really lose it.

I guess I wouldn't be happy unless I was a Mexican hairless chihuahua.




Growing older also means fighting the law of gravity. Everyday. I never knew that's what that song meant when it said, "I fought the law - and the law won." No shit. Everything is going south on me. My arches have fallen, my eyelids are drooping, and can we talk about my boobs? I just heard two jokes that could apply to anyone over the age of 50:

What is the average bra size at a nursing home? 36 LONG

Why can't older women wear mini skirts? Because their nipples would hang out the bottom of the skirt!

I think I've even gotten shorter. Great. Now I'm even MORE overweight.



But you know what Garfield says - "I'm not OVERWEIGHT, I'm just UNDERTALL."





I guess I shouldn't complain about getting older. It's better than the alternative.



Or this one:



That is truly frightening. I guess I'll just learn to grow old gracefully and accept the odd hairs here and there, the sagging boobs, fallen arches, bad eyes, sore hips, etc. I'm grateful that I still have my own teeth. I figure I'm ahead of the game.

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