Meet My Nemesis

You know how I talk about traveling on the road, just the two of us, Jim and me?


These past five years it's been Jim, me, and my nemesis:

Yep. That's right, folks. A frickin' exercise ball. You ask why I hate it so much? BECAUSE IT'S THERE. IT TAKES UP SPACE. A LOT OF SPACE.

I can count on one hand, okay maybe both hands and my feet (if I could reach them) how many times Jim has used this.

He says that the ball is good for his back.

He does this weird exercise. He sits on the ball and then rolls his hips from side to side.

He looks like a squatting dog that wiggles it's butt right before it takes a poop.

Either that or I should be hearing Barry White belting out "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby"

and I should be watching Jim do this on the naughty channel.

I've tried to do some stretching exercises on the ball, but I have difficulty with it.

Jim says the ball is probably too big for me. SHUT UP.

I sit on it. I roll my hips to the left, then the right.

It only makes me want to pee.

Then I lay across the ball with my legs stretched out behind me, my arms out in front of me. That is supposed to stretch my lower back. What it DOES is smush my bazoombas AND I look like a beached whale. Yeah. So THAT'S not happening.


I've asked Jim if we can deflate the ball, and only inflate it when he uses it. He says that would be too much trouble.

So I've been dreaming up murder plots in my mind. For the ball, I mean.

Remember the famous shower scene in the movie Psycho?

Photo courtesy of

Sounds good, right? Nah. Couldn't fit the ball in our shower stall.

Then I thought of that line in the song, "Cell Block Tango - He had it Coming" from the musical Chicago when that one chick was talking about why she was in prison. She said her husband accidentally walked into her knife. He accidentally walked into her knife 10 times.

Do you think Jim would believe me if I fell while holding a butcher knife and I "accidentally" stabbed that stupid ball 10 times?

Probably not.

So, alas, I guess I must put up with it. I can't help but think that damn thing is sneering at me.

For your enjoyment. "Cell Block Tango - He Had It Coming" from the musical Chicago.

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