It's Here!

It arrived about a week ago.

I had it delivered to my sister's house.

I thought it would be mailed in a box, wrapped in plain brown paper. You know, kind of like when you order something naughty from one of those sex magazines, er, or so I've been told. hee-hee

But no. It arrived like this.

So all the world can see.

Oh, I fell for it all right. Hook, line and credit card.

For those of you who may be living under a rock and don't know what "ZUMBA" is, it is an exercise routine to Latin music.

I am so gullible. I was flipping channels one day, and I was pulled in. I watched all these beautiful women showing off their abs, sweating their, well, ABS, off, and SMILING while they were dancing. Granted, they were probably PAID for this endorsement, but they did look happy.

Here's the problem. I'm a fat white chick with no rhythm who can't dance a lick.

But there are DVD's people! Three in fact!

And two (count 'em, 2!) sticks to shake while dancing!

C'mon, doesn't that make you want to shake your thang?

There were testimonials from fat women who lost inches off their waist, dropped dress sizes, etc. Here's what I'm thinking.

If they can do it, why can't I? They had to start somewhere, right? They probably had all the aches and pains that I do and the lack of exercise in their daily life.

So I'm going to give it a try.

Even if it kills me.

Okay, I'm back. I watched the 60 minute Basic Steps video.

I lasted 20 minutes.

It started out easy enough. They give you the name of the dance, show it to you in regular motion, then take you step-by-step through the dance slowly. If it's a two part dance, using your arms and legs, they'll show you first the steps with your legs, then add the arms part.

Easy peasy, right?

Welllll...... somewhat. The first 20 minutes weren't too bad. But here are some of the problems I ran into:

1) okay - I live in a trailer - my space is LIMITED - AND carpeted. This seems to be a no-no. It is NOT easy to slide across the floor in dance moves. I looked a little spastic. I don't need ANY help in that department.

2) My house moves when I jump around. This is not good.

3) I have bad feet. Fallen arches, flat feet, whatever. I wore my gym shoes, but still had pain running along the bottom of my feet, even when STANDING THERE DOING NOTHING. This, also, is not good. (This probably means a trip to a podiatrist for much needed inserts for my shoes.)

4) Some moves call for "sticking your chest out". This is dangerous. I am top-heavy. I am afraid of falling over.

5) It's intimidating to watch these three skinny babes up there shaking their groove thang, with their belly buttons winking at me. Can't they at least have one fat chick dancing to prove it can be done?

6) Between stopping to cough, and praying that a little pee wouldn't escape when jumping around, I have a long way to go before looking like this.

Things I learned:

1) The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be.

2) When the instructors say, "Give me some flavor", it has a whole different meaning from The Cooking Channel. It means "move those hips!" and "move those shoulders!" to the beat of the music. Make exaggerated movements.

3) This is the first time I wished I was Latino. Maybe I'd have more rhythm. And I'd be able to say more than, "Yo tango le chuga en mis pantaloonas!" (translates to: I have lettuce in my pants.)

4) An HOUR of dance steps is overwhelming. I'll watch the 20 minute basic video to see which dance steps it involves and see if I can get by with what I learned. Otherwise, I'll be studying the dance moves video for awhile. It doesn't matter since no one is watching me and it's still exercise.

If I still think I can't "ZUMBA", what's the worse that can happen?

I sell the whole thing on e-Bay and get less than what I paid for it?
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