Confessions of an over-the-hill Cosmo reader

The other day while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, the latest edition of Cosmopolitan caught my eye. It wasn't the bright blue cover with the gorgeous Jessica Alba sexily posed on the front, her apple cheeks bronzed, her lips glossed, hair windblown, the hint of her curvaceous ta-ta's peeking out of her dress. No, that wasn't it.

It was the screaming headline, "Untamed Va-jay-jays" and then in normal sized letters, "Guess What Sexy Style is Back" that did it.

Now. If that doesn't peek a person's curiosity, I don't know what does. 

I haven't read a Cosmo in maybe 10-15 years? I think it was time to revisit this magazine AND see what this whole untamed va-jay-jay thing was all about. Was it just about not shaving I wondered?

I was a little embarrassed to buy the magazine, and was afraid I'd get carded for being TOO OLD to purchase it! Is there an age limit? Could I lie and say it was for my daughter? Exactly how young did I look? (I'm kidding myself. I look every bit my age!)

I saw that the cashier was a young man probably around 19 or 20, so I held my tongue even though I was dying to quip, "How can I pass up this magazine when they talk about untamed va-jay-jays?" But he probably would have died a thousand deaths, turned beet red and then think I was sexually harassing him, and I certainly didn't need to call attention to the fact that this almost 55 year old lady was buying Cosmo. So I kept my mouth shut.

When I got home I settled into my bedroom (with the door closed), to read all about the va-jay-jays. I was a little disappointed to see that with such a big headline on the cover, it took up only two pages in the magazine; one being the title page, "Would You Do This to Your Vagina?"

I'll sum it up for you here.

  1. V Bling - or how to dress up your "area". After getting a wax, you could add some sparkle to your package with small adhesive crystals that can last up to five days! (Giving new meaning to "family jewels".) You could choose from different patterns such as a flower or a heart, or even make up your own design! Well, why not take it a step further and write little love notes like "Enter if you dare" or "Put Tab A into Slot B", or, if you're batting for the OTHER team, "No Man's Land". Boy I could have fun with these! Maybe they could hire me as a consultant for one-liners! Wouldn't THAT look good on my resume! Also available are temporary tattoos for your coochie-coo, and in the near future, GLOW IN THE DARK TATTOOS - For those lovers who can't find they're way in the dark.
  2. V Fitness - We all know what kegel exercises are right? The benefits for doing them (when we remember) are: a)improves muscle tone of the pelvic floor, b)  good for  treating vaginal prolapse c) good for preventing uterine prolapse, and d) it may increase sexual gratification. Listen to this. Now there's PantyO Underwear! Ta da! It comes with a one inch "extension" that is sewn in the crotch that you INSERT to remind you to do the exercises. You heard it hear first folks! They usually cost $125 A PAIR, but are now on sale for $85 each. At this bargain, you can grab a couple of them! I personally think that this would be a little irritating to wear all day long, but to each their own! Besides, it didn't come in granny panty size anyway.
  3. V Makeup - Did you know that as you age, your hoo ha loses color? (Who knew? When was the last time you looked at yourself?) Another indignity of getting older! Well worry no more! Now there's "My New Pink Button", a temporary dye that comes in four different shades: Bettie, Marilyn, Audrie, and Ginger. (As a side note, this COULD cause irritation, but all for the sake of beauty, right ladies?) This puts a whole new spin on the word "lipstick"!
  4. V Accessories - Are you tired of the same old dull white panty liner? If so, then "Pantzies" are for you! They come in regular or when you're feeling a little wild, wear the pink leopard print, even though you'd be the only one who knew you were wearing it! This is THROW AWAY stuff people! It's not like wearing a fancy bra to make you feel good! I just don't get it!
  5. V Hairstyle - I guess the majority of the "in" crowd get Brazilian waxes. Then Kate Moss goes and poses nude recently, showing off her, er, natural hair (I hope the drapes matched the carpet.) So now Cosmo is saying it's okay to wax OR grow it. This just proves my theory: If you wait long enough, you'll be in style again.
I hope you learned something today....I know I sure did! Now I'm on to the next article: This Sexy Move Works from 20 Feet Away! (The question is - can Jim really see that far away anyway?)
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