Observations from behind the wheel - Part Two

My husband and I were driving around in Big Blue the other day.

Big Blue is our 1 ½ ton truck that sits high above the cars and other trucks on the road. I like driving the truck for two reasons:

1. It makes me feel powerful; and
2. I like the way men look at me when I’m behind the wheel. (Hey, I’m being honest!)

Have you seen those obscene testicles that hang from the hitch of some pickup trucks? They come in all different colors and sizes,(I guess depending on how "manly" one feels or how big the truck is.)

Flesh colored to make them look, um, real. Or perhaps a nice blue pair to match the truck.But then it could send a whole different meaning out there. These "Bumper Nuts" are outlawed in some states. They ARE pretty obnoxious.

Well, we’d have to get a REALLY big set of cajones to match the truck. But to be fair, I’d want a set of ta-ta’s to go on the grill to show that this is an equal opportunity truck. Anyhoo, I digress. Back to my story. So Jim was driving, which left me in the passenger seat and gave me the opportunity to peer into other people’s cars to see what they were doing. You know, a case of a “Peeping Pat”, if you will.

Let me clue you in America. People are NOT driving with their hands in the 10 and 2 o’clock positions. No siree Bob! My Driver’s Ed teacher, Elmo Hildebrand, (his real name), not to be confused with this person:

would be HORRIFIED. As a matter of fact, he would probably lick his finger and stick it in your ear, a trick he was known to do if he was not happy with the way you were driving. Yeah. A wet willy from a teacher.

I saw a woman who actually had her laptop propped up against her steering wheel and was typing on her lap. Granted, it was at a red light, but the fact that she continued to do so after the light turned green was downright scary. Can you imagine explaining to the insurance company the hospital claim of “removing a lap top from stomach”? I wonder if they have a code for that?

In the very next car was a young girl who was trying to light her cigarette. Now I know why insurance rates are lower for non-smokers. With one hand she flicked the lighter near the tip of the cigarette that was clasped tightly between her lips. Then she cast her eyes down and let go of the steering wheel to cup her hand around the flame, protecting it from the wind coming in from the open window. Now granted, this took a matter of about 3-5 seconds, but let’s get the whole picture. Here’s at least a one ton vehicle hurling down the road at 55 mph without anyone steering it. Or looking at the road for that matter. Yikes!

Farther down the road I saw a young woman driver sitting behind the wheel with one foot on the seat, knee bent, chatting away with her passenger, like she was sitting in her living room, and oh, by the way, she was driving, too. Ok, I admit that I was jealous that she could even sit like that behind the wheel. But how safe is it to drive that way?

You may have noticed that the above drivers were all women. But men were guilty too. Many were texting, or talking on the phone.

We spend so much time in our cars these days, they’ve become our home away from home. We eat in them, drink in them, do business in them by phone (or even by lap top!) We don’t even have to get out of our cars anymore. We have drive through fast food, banks, pharmacies, and cleaners. Now they added drive through liquor stores which seem a little ironic to me since you can get arrested for drunk driving, yet you can drive through a store to buy your booze.

In Las Vegas, they have a drive-through chapel where you can get married. Yep – ya don’t even have to undo your seat belt. How’s that for a shot gun wedding?

And some states have drive through funeral homes. The bodies are put on display at the drive through window. You just drive through and pay your respects, toot your horn and call it a day.

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