I should have been born a gay man!

Then at least I'd be able to put on eye liner correctly. Look at Adam Lambert.

Or if not a gay man, then maybe just a man. Why is it that men can put eye liner on better than ME?

This is actually called "Guyliner". True. I guess it's not just for rock stars anymore, either.

The following instructions on how to apply guyliner are from Ehow.com.

My comments are in red.


Step 1

Purchase black eyeliner. Unlike women, who can choose a rainbow of eyeliner shades, men should stick to basic black eyeliner.

Why should men be limited to just black? Hey, if they are going to wear eye liner, why not be able to chose from a whole palette of colors? Or would that be crossing the "line" so to say, over to the other side? Not that wearing eyeliner guyliner is - crossing the line, I mean.

Step 2

Start with a black pencil eyeliner. Pencil eyeliners are softer and more forgiving of mistakes than the liquid eyeliners.

Pencil liners are SOFTER? That's a bunch of bull crap. I have yet to find a soft one. Usually the pencils are so hard it's like I'm carving the lines into my face.

Once you master putting on guyliner, you can switch to liquid eyeliner.

I didn't master ladyliner, I just jumped to the liquid eyeliner. I didn't graduate, didn't pass go, didn't collect $200, just bought the liquid liner and called it a day.

Step 3

Brace your arm against a bathroom counter and lean in very close to the mirror. Steady your hand, as applying eyeliner with a shaky hand will not create the desired result.

No shit, sherlock. See below.

Step 4

Outline your eyes, top and bottom, making the line thick. Feel free to go all the way up both corners.

Make the line thick? Seriously? If I make the lines thick, I look something like this:

Step 5

Smudge the eyeliner upwards and outwards with your finger or a professional smudger

(What the hell is a "Professional Smudger", where would you find him/her, and how much do they cost?)

to give it a smudged and less perfect look.

Step 6

Practice makes perfect. Even women who have been wearing eyeliner for years can mess up the application.

Have they been peeking in my window?

Have make-up remover available the first few times you put on your guyliner. Expect to remove and reapply it a few times to get it correct.


I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it. I don't know if it's because:

a) I have shaky hands,
b) I have wrinkly eyelids,
c) I can't see worth shit without my glasses on; or
d) All of the above.

That's all I know, sometimes my eyeliner looks like the zoom-zoom road that Mazda advertises.

Maybe I should get my eyeliner permanently tattooed on my lids.

Here are some before and after pictures of permanent eyeliner taken at a studio.

I must say, they look really nice. Of course, what would probably happen after I'd shell out the money for this procedure is, twenty years down the road this type of tattoo would be known as the

mark of the devil

and I would be stoned to death from an angry crowd.
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